Public Transportation

An oldie but a goodie...

Occurred: First months of my arrival in SF
Written: May 18, 2005

I HATE public transportation. I fully acknowledge that the use of the word hate as an emotional descriptive can be pretty intense and should rarely be used, but I HATE public transportation. I absolutely refuse to sugar coat something that is the cause of such great anxiety in my life.

Growing up in a family where I received anything and everything I could have ever wanted, the self transformation in to being financially responsible was, and still is, a difficult process. When my parents told me they were taking away MY car (granted I never paid a dime for it), I was devastated. How the fuck am I suppose to get around? I then looked on the bright side (at the time it seemed bright) which was that in San Francisco, you don't need a car to get around. I started to look at my new situation as somewhat of a blessing: no car payments, cheap transportation, possible encounters with hot men, no worries about parking and most importantly, no insurance bills! My excitement quickly evaporated when I traded in my mustang for a $1.25 transfer ticket and a smell so bad you would think you stepped in to a public restroom.

Here are just a few of my most memorable bus-riding moments and in the spirit of Halloween, we'll start out with:

Horrible Bus Experience #1: The Witch

I swear, if witches do exist, the only things this woman lacked was her broom and pointy hat. Imagine if you will, a VERY corpulent woman in all black with patches of grey hair matted to her head, warts and skin flaps covering her face, one yellow tooth, eyebrows that grew like weeds covering one (yes only one) of her eyes, long curly finger and toe nails, and moles with pube like hair growing out of them extending over her neck and arms. This woman, was stepping on to my bus and heading straight for the bench I was sitting on.

She hobbled on with her cane, her legs too fat and out of shape to make it up the stairs on her own, and to my horror didn't have much control over herself. To make matters worse, the bus driver decided to start driving before she had the chance to sit down and she fell....on top of ME!!! The weight of this woman was crushing and she clobbered me with the side of her hairy, scaly, mole covered arm. I swear it almost knocked me out.

She then, without apologizing, takes the seat directly next to me where she adjusts her sweater that had exposed her large, protruding belly and starts to whisper, groan, and grumble (spells?). Are you kidding me? Where do people like her come from? Was she homeless? How did she become a toothless, smelly, mumbling, schizo witch? More importantly, where does a toothless, smelly, mumbling, schizo witch go on a bus? After that, in my delirium, I high tailed it off the bus at the next stop, walked the rest of the way, nursed my wound and wondered if I should get a tetanus shot.